The Bet

Warning! Spoilers ahead.

In season 5 of Boston Legal, there was one episode where Denny chose a bet over Alan's friendship and caused a judge to recommend Alan for disbarment. Alan, who was usually very patient with Denny and all his quirkiness, was so angry that at one point in the episode, he blurted to Denny, "We're done!"

Denny came to him like a little child who made a small mistake expecting to be forgiven. But Alan was really angry and asked him to leave. Denny cannot seem to accept this and told Alan that he must be losing it already. It, meaning his mind. Alan, upon hearing the fear in Denny's voice, overcame his anger and became a consoling friend.

Denny asked Alan what he meant by his statement that they are done. To which Alan answered that their friendship is the type that cannot be broken by one small issue like that.

And it makes you wonder how many friends you have in your life that you can confidently say will accept you even if you've made a mess of yourself. One who would still be there for you in time of crisis even when you have done your worst.

I am glad to say that I do have friends like that, those whom I can depend on. No matter how 'maldita' I might be, they are still there when I call for help. Even after a huge spat, we come together after and realize how funny we were in allowing our pride to get in the way. Of course there are those who you thought will endure but in the end gave up just because and you just shrug because at least you know who your real friends are.

The kind of friendship Denny and Alan have in Boston Legal is definitely ideal that sometimes one would think it is not possible. But I think there are people out there who have an enduring friendship like that. And I'm glad for them. I hope they know how to treasure these kinds of friends.

Valentine

Today, as I watch one of the episodes from Boston Legal Season 4, I was struck by the aptness of the topic that Denny and Allan were talking about. Allan just came out of a committed relationship and was confused because he doesn't seem to be missing the girl he just spent six months with. It was like Poof! and she's gone from his life. Denny was saying that he can't understand why someone who was deeply a part of who you are, of your life, can suddenly be just gone and no longer important.

And it made me think because Denny does make sense. Sometimes, I feel disturbed by the fact that people who used to love each other suddenly become the worst enemies. You'd wonder if their relationship was just a fickle of your imagination. And then you'd think, was it even there in the first place?

I've been in a few relationship before. And no matter the different endings, I don't hate the men who I used to love. But then I am not a person who harbors hate or grudges. For that I am glad. I don't want to dishonor the memory of the people I used to love by hating them for the rest of my life.

You might say I am able to say that because we probably parted amicably. Maybe we did. But it doesn't mean my heart was not broken before. I just chose not hate.

One can argue further that maybe I am just saying that because I am no longer nursing a broken heart. Or because I have found someone new. They can. But they would be wrong.



Here is a previous writing of mine about Valentine. It does still apply.

The Power of the Senses

It's amazing how a certain smell invokes memories in your mind. And I'm not talking about that guy who put his two arms up and suddenly overwhelms you with his really bad body odor. No. I'm talking about how easy it is to conjure the face of someone we love through the power of smell. A familiar scent somehow gives you comfort and can lessen the gap in miles.

And then there's that cliche, "A photo speaks a thousand words". Does it really? I do know that a certain moment can be captured and frozen forever. Then looking at it can make you live that certain time again. The laughter, the sadness and everything in between. Sometimes the memory is so overwhelming that you can taste a particular food at the tip of your tongue.

Then there are songs that make you remember a certain person in your life, giving you glimpses of days past. Conversations that you've shared a long time back can still sound so clearly in your mind.

When you are missing someone you love, you try to cling on to things that will remind you of them. It could be his perfume, a photo or a song, anything that can bring you closer.

I guess that's why I think one of the hardest ailment one can get is Alzheimer. I cannot imagine how it will be not to remember the people you love, people you care about. I think it's almost like losing a big part of yourself.

Financial Crunch

Everyday I read or hear about the financial crisis. About how Citibank or DBS have cut jobs here in Singapore. I also read about NOL cutting a few hundred jobs. A lot of Filipinos are losing their jobs and have no option but to go home to Manila. I even heard about some of them not receiving their last pay because it'll be used to pay the Singapore taxes.

Nowadays, I tend to be more cautious about the things I buy. Things that I'd usually buy in a blink of an eye is now usually pushed back on and I'd only buy the things that I think I really need. I was thinking of not buying Christmas gifts but in the end, I still bought a few for the children. It might not be as expensive as the others that I would usually buy but I think it is the thought that counts and children should not be deprived of the happiness of the Christmas season.

I usually buy books from Borders every time I receive a discount coupon. Thus, I fill my bookcase faster than I can read them. But now, unless I really really want to read the book, I stop myself from buying. Imagine that.

Next year is going to be a tough year. And a lot more people will be impacted.

Now, people are not expecting salary increases or bonuses anymore. People are now just looking to keeping their job.

I wonder if this financial crisis will end soon. I just hope a lot of us go through it unscathed.

Hmmmmm

As I was waiting at the bus stop this afternoon, I saw an old lady hunched over tagging along her cart. Her body was permanently bent and I was sorry for her. That pity doubled when I saw her rifling through the trash can looking for cans and newspapers. Doesn't she have any family who can take care of her? And it was not exactly a great time to be out because the sun was out in its full glory so it was really scorching.

Anyhow, I realized that even as I feel bad for her, it is not even proper to ask if she's okay or if she needs help. All people have pride and although her work is difficult and doesn't really earn her much, it is an honest work.

I just wish I don't see a lot of the elderly here in Singapore doing work like that. It sometimes break your heart.

My sister Mary volunteers every now and then at an elderly housing facility here in Singapore. They give them baths, feed them but most importantly, talk to them. Oh the stories some of them has to tell. I think the most difficult thing for them besides not having their family is not having someone to talk to, someone who asks for their opinion and their thoughts.

A lot of us will come to the point when we will be the elderly people (some nearer there than others, ahem, ahem). I just hope that I still have someone to talk to at that time. Even better if I still have something to say.

Wealth, Looks and Intelligence Quotient

During lunch, there was an intense discussion between me and my lunch mates. There were 6 women and a lone guy in the group. It all started with the disclosure of a survey made by Princess. In this survey (comprised of a number of women... okay, 2), Princess got the idea that women's percentage for the perfect guy is 80% wealth, 10% looks and 10% intelligence.

It went on to a few of the group stating that these days, it is important for the man to have money.

I, of course, had to disagree on the criteria for the right guy for me. As I have a very strong personality, I need someone who can be my partner and not someone I can just squash under my shoes. So I said wealth is not that important. As long as the guy earns a decent income, then it's fine. But he must have a strong confidence without being conceited.

The discussion then went on to a more serious mode when someone interjected that it will probably not work out if the guy earns less than the woman. And I had to argue again that it depends on the man. Their argument is that if he has such a strong personality, then he must be earning a lot of money. But then I said that not all industries earn the same. A guy could be well known or at the top of his industry but is not as well paid as in IT.

I think that it is common for some guys to feel insecure when a woman earns more. But I really believe that it depends on how confident he is about himself. One of the married girls agree while another disagrees.

A point brought up by Princess is that when the girl earns more, the guy can stop working and the girl can still probably get them through. But if the guy is earning so much less, the girl cannot afford being out of work or they might starve.

I really think it depends on what a woman is looking for. Even if a guy is wealthy but he is a jerk, I will never like him. If a guy earns less than me and is insecure about it, then he better say goodbye because I might have been mistaken to have liked him in the first place and it'll just take one bump in the head for me to wake up and leave him. As I said, I need someone with a strong personality and confidence in himself. If a guy gets insecure about a woman's higher salary, then he is not really that self assured. He's just fooling himself and everybody else.

So what's my ratio for the perfect guy for me? 40% personality/intelligence, 30% wealth and 30% looks. I wonder if I can go somewhere to manufacture one. =)

Green-Eyed Monster

A friend of mine asked me a few days ago about my relationship with my twin sister. My friend was asking if we have ever been envious or ever competed with each other. I found the question a bit surprising and I told her so. It seems she has a few other twin friends who actually do compete with each other. And that is sad. My twin sister has always been my best friend and being jealous of the other was never something we've ever had a problem on. We're just not brought up that way.

The two of us were partners in crime. What the other did, the other is sure to be always one step behind. It would not have worked well for us if we have the constant attack of the green-eyed monster. And thank God for that. Actually, thank my parents for that.

I admit, my sister has always been the more popular one. But I never hold that against her. It was just not my thing. Whereas she could easily be friendly with anyone, I on the other hand, tend to observe quietly and form my opinions first before deciding if I'd like to be friends. And as I said, being popular is not my thing. I like my alone time with my books. Yes, I was the geeky one. I overtake her in the academic arena and I am more of an achiever. But it doesn't mean she has no dreams. I just happen to have bigger ones.

Is it unusual for twins not to be jealous of each other? Maybe. I know of a few more twins who actually can't stand each other's company. They actually dread having a copy for fear of being called unoriginal. How funny is that? Being ashamed of your twin is like being ashamed of yourself.

I'm glad my twin sister and I have our kind of relationship. I cannot imagine being envious of the one person who is closest to me. She is, after all, my other half of the egg.

image from http://ggaaxx.blogspot.com/

Betrayed

In my 36 years, I have been through several betrayals. From family, friends and others. I have always been the type of person that's difficult to be close to. I am very selective about my close friends. Sure, I have a lot of friends but friendship of different levels. My true close friends can be counted on my fingers. That's how selective I am.

But to get by in life, you need to forge a relationship with other people. Different types of relationship. Friendship, acquaintance, etc. And for that relationship to work, you need to build a level of trust. However, sometimes that trust is broken and it leaves you feeling hurt.

Recently, something happened that made me feel betrayed again. And this from someone I never expected it to come from. I think I expected too much and I got hurt in the process.

Things happen for a reason. People do things for a reason. But no matter how justified their action might be, it does not erase the fact that emotions are involved.

I thought I was jaded already and can't get hurt so easily. But I was wrong. I allowed myself to be vulnerable.

Acceptance is the only course to follow. But it will not erase the hurt that has already been caused. No matter how many times the word "Sorry" is uttered, the trust has been broken and will take a long time to mend.

I keep on thinking I would have done the same thing if I was in the same position. But then maybe I won't.

I Remember

In our family, birthdays were used as a means to have a gathering, to celebrate together and to have fun. We often found ourselves trooping to whoever’s house was designated for the party’s venue bringing any food, drinks or gifts we can carry along. My mom has two other siblings: her twin (yes, it runs in the family) and her older sister. Each sister has a family of her own. My mom has 4 kids, my Mama Esper 5 and my Nanay Remy 2. So counting all the spouses and kids, there were 20 more or less of us. Oh and yes, it does extend to our boyfriends and girlfriends who we happen to drag whenever possible.

We used to look forward to a birthday celebration but all of that suddenly change one October morning. My cousin’s girlfriend woke us up with tragic news: my Uncle Tony, Nanay Remy’s husband was dead.

Our beloved uncle was a victim of hit and run. My parents along with Mama Esper, Papa Arnold and Tatay Tony were on their way home from a cousin’s birthday celebration. My Nanay Remy was not there but I can’t remember anymore why. Papa Arnold and Mama Esper were going to bring my parents home in Cainta because we live about 5 minutes away from them. Tatay Tony has alighted earlier to cross over to the other side of the road as he was on his way to Manila. They had barely left the location where they dropped Tatay Tony when they heard a loud sickening thud.

As they looked back and scanned the other side of the road, they assumed the worst when they did not see Tatay Tony. The four of them went out of the vehicle and searched for Tatay Tony. He was lying there on the side of the road, bloodied and barely breathing. The van that has hit him has sped off and nowhere to be seen.

I can just imagine how my parents, my aunt and my uncle felt at that moment. We were all very fond of our Tatay Tony because he was such a funny and kind person.

When we heard the news, we cannot believe it because we have never experienced death in our adult life. Someone has died before but we were too young to understand the meaning of grief. We cried our hearts out and I felt for the first time the heartache of losing someone you love. It was gut wrenching and no matter how hard you cry and cry out, the pain in my chest didn’t seem to lessen.

I am afraid of looking at caskets for reasons I don’t understand. As such, you would see me in wakes but I usually try not to look at the person lying at the front, lifeless and cold. With Tatay Tony, I did not just look at him, I even touched him to say goodbye. The pain in my heart was so heavy and seemed endless and it was so strong that I was able to physically feel it.

It has been years since Tatay Tony has left. Birthdays are no longer celebrated like before. It was as if the whole family reached an unspoken agreement and we try to be cautious and not try the fates any more. We still celebrate birthdays but it is no longer the same.

They say that memory fades with time. But I can still remember Tatay Tony’s face in my mind like he was here just yesterday. I think it’s not as easy to forget the memory of someone you deeply love. No matter how much more time passes, I will always remember.


Nanay and Tatay are Filipino words meaning Mother and Father respectively. We use these words not only for our parents but also for relatives or someone we consider as second parents to us.

Of Loving and Being Loved

Warning: Spoilers ahead

In episode 10 of Boston Legal Season 1, Alan Shore was held hostage by a man who felt his life is ruined because he lost custody of his children.

After the ordeal, Tara, Alan’s current girlfriend suddenly blurted out, “I love you”.

“I don’t want to marry you. I’m not even sure I want to date you. But I love you.”

Alan, for once was at a loss for word, his look of utter surprise clearly visible in his face.

Tara then said that it is the part where the boy would usually say, “Me too”. Or something like, “You smell good”.

It seems that Tara nearly died once and she thought at that time about those who would grieve. And she wondered then if she was loved. She was just ensuring that Alan knows that he is.

Funny but that scene gave me pause. I think it is a bit sad if you have to wonder if you are loved at a time when scenes in your life flashes through your eyes. Aren’t we supposed to be always expressing our feelings to the people we love, if not through words then through our actions?

But then I realized that a person can be in a relationship and yet not be loved. Women almost always have to feel to be in a relationship. 'Almost' is the operative word here because these days women can be in a relationship and not feel. Sure, the man possibly has a tender feeling for you and yet still not love you. We rebel at the thought and get angry because we can't understand how this person we love do not reciprocate our feelings. But men think differently. Some think with their d*ck, pardon my French. The fact that you go out together, make love everyday, does not automatically mean you have his heart. Sad isn't it? And woe to the woman who tries to change this man for she will surely fail.

Oh yeah. Just because this man says he loves you doesn't necessarily mean it's true. Some men say these words so easily like 'Hello' and 'Good morning' because it means nothing to them. To them, it is a means to get the woman to stay longer, to make her feel he cares.

I am not saying that all men are evil and pigs, although some might be. But the simple hard truth is that it is sometimes difficult to know when we are loved. Sure our family loves us unconditionally but when we are looking for someone who loves us, it is not always our friends or families that we long for.

There are men though who gladly give their heart to the woman they love. And this woman always knows that she is loved. She does not question it, she does not doubt it, she just knows.

When we arrive at that point at the thin line between life and death, each one of us just might wonder if we are loved.

I hope you can answer it with certainty, without a seed of doubt in your heart. I know what my answer will be. Do you?

True Lies

Papa Bear said that here in Singapore, the Filipino IT community is so small that it is actually next to impossible to keep a secret. He is referring to the fact that you tend to know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone. The list goes on.

I guess secrets cannot be kept a secret forever. But I guess you would worry about this only if you have a skeleton in the closet that you don't want to be brought out.

What was the favorite expression of Dr. House? Everybody lies. So one way or another, we all lie. But there are different ways of telling the truth or telling a lie. There are lies that are blatantly expressed and the ones we call a white lie. Then there are truths that will never be a lie because we never utter them, we never expose them. For who in their right minds would voluntarily let out a skeleton in their closet? Okay. I guess that's not entirely true since we know there are some people who do let out dark, dirty parts of their lives out in the open even if it is a truth that does not need to be announced. Some people are like that. Blatantly exposing themselves to the world just to see if people will react. Crazy.

But keeping a secret is always difficult. Paranoia creeps in and constant suspicion is the name of the game.

And then there's the fact that telling a lie gets you into a messy web of distrust that in the end, even when you're telling the truth, you also doubt yourself because you have forgotten the real from the lie.

Wouldn't it be weird if everyone who lies grows long noses like Pinocchio? Of course, this will be troublesome for some of us since the MRT and buses will probably be filled with chaos if you see people with long noses walking around or people in the train or buses happily lying away while their noses continue to grow. Brrrr. That idea gives me the creeps.

Nifty as the idea of identifying a chronic liar through the length of a person's nose, I don't think it is something I would want as well. To be honest, and I promise I am not telling a lie, I like my nose as it is.

The NOT So Wonderful World of Blogosphere

I'm getting bored of reading the entries in the blogosphere. Nothing seems to be that interesting anymore. Or was it just the idea of the new that made it so much more fun to stalk the different blogsites of friends of friends and friends of enemies? He he.

I used to read a lot of sites regularly. But these days I end up just looking at the blogsite, check if the entry is interesting or just another rant and move on without even reading. Boooorrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnnng.

Blogging is still an outlet for me. Good if people agree with some of my entries or share my happiness or woes. But I guess what I used to find entertaining has lost its shine.

Is there nothing left to write about? The creative juices have been sucked dry and there is nothing left but half-hearted entries that do not give justice to the once brilliant writers that I used to read daily.

Anyway, that's just me. Maybe some people enjoy reading about daily rants from bloggers but anything in excess is not nice in the long run.

I will still probably continue to look around and stalk the other blog sites (he he) just to see if I will see some glimpse of the creative geniuses of the bloggers I used to read daily.

Maybe. Maybe not. Let's see.

Monday Spotlight: FX Blues

I checked out the exchange rate today and was dismayed by the answer of the girl on the line: SGD$1 = P29.90. The exchange rate used to range from P31.40 - P32+. I know we should be happy that the economy of the Philippines seems to be getting better. A few people commented that the rate should go up after the election but it has been days since the election but the exchange rate seems to be still going down.

Can we blame OFWs from being partly unhappy about our improving economy when every cent lost means less money to send over to our family back in the Philippines? We sometimes lose around P5000+ from the fluctuation of the exchange rate. That amount is enough to buy a week or two of groceries and can mean so much more for others.

Is there a tangible proof for this improving economy? Was the price of transportation rolled back? Is the cost of basic staples lower than it was a week or two before? Sure, it’s not an overnight miracle. But the loss to us is sudden and now. Can anyone really blame us from being skeptic?

Virginia Tragedy

I really need to be more in tune with the world. It was only during lunch break that I learned about the Virginia Tech shooting and only because I was teasing a colleague about the picture of a guy in her screen. Turned out it was the picture of the Korean guy who killed 33 people.

It seems like it's too often that we read about shootings in schools. What is happening to the kids these days? What kind of anger warrants killing other people? I would not even start to assume that I know how they feel because I don't think I have ever felt that much hatred.

It's just so sad and frightening the kind of world that the children have to face. Imagine being a parent and the terror of knowing that your child might be in one of those schools where someone just suddenly decides to arm up and start shooting people. It's just so horrible!

Now, everybody's talking about gun control but all the talks in the world cannot bring back the dead. It's just so weird that children would feel the need to bring firearms in school.

The world sympathizes with the family of the shooting victims. Let's just hope that it never happen again.

Semana Santa

Tomorrow is Good Friday. It’s odd because it doesn’t feel like it’s Holy Week. In the Philippines, Holy Week is the time when you hear the daily racket of the elders and children singing the story of Christ’s passion. It has become an unconscious contest for each singer to bring the story to life through the different hymns and different paces of singing. There are the good voices and then there are the bad ones as well.

In our provincial home in Bulacan, we live just beside the chapel. So every night we go to the chapel to mingle with the crowd, to hear people sing and/or get invited for the free food/drinks. You’d be surprised with the number of people who go to these readings. Everyone wants to sing and boy, when people get their chance to sing, do they sing! They sometimes almost take forever. And when the singer has a bad voice, an hour can be an eternity.

This weekend is supposed to be a week of fasting. Not just for food but also for things that is difficult for you to give up. It could be that one order of tall frappucino at Starbucks. A scoop of Ben and Jerry’s ice scream. A slice of that delicious looking Tiramisu cake.

For some, fasting has become synonymous to dieting. The meaning of it is lost because they have an ulterior motive to the act and that is to lose weight. I am not being judgmental because I know I was guilty of that at least once or twice. But it is sad if that is the only reason that you would submit yourself to fasting.

I remember frequenting Jollibee during the holy week. I would be eating their Tuna sandwich almost everyday because I don’t want to eat meat. I was quite thin back then so the main reason why I was doing that is because I was trying to avoid meat. Of course, losing weight in the process was always a welcome result.

Nowadays, I no longer go to church regularly. I don’t pray everyday. As staunch Catholics would say, I have lost my way.

When I was in Europe, everyday was a celebration of my faith. Seeing a beautiful painting or a beautiful place that I never thought I’d be able to see was always something to be thankful for.

Here in Singapore, I seem to have lost that. I am not blaming the place because it should be a conscious effort on my side to keep my faith strong. Somehow, I just stopped. I just found myself one day not caring if I go to church weekly or if I pray to St. Therese or St. Anthony or Mama Mary for their help on a problem. I have become a non-practicing Catholic.

I still call St. Anthony, St. Therese or Mama Mary in times of despair and trouble. I know it’s wrong to only seek their guidance when I am in trouble. I still believe in God but I have stopped being rigid in observing the dictates of our religion.

I am not promoting this kind of life, as people should always have something to believe in. I believe in God and I know that there is a higher being out there who always watch over my family and me. I just stopped having regular conversations with him and his family.

Good Friday is to commemorate Christ’s death in the cross. And Easter Sunday is a celebration of the fulfillment of our salvation.

May lost souls find their way back.

Reflections

A close friend of mine asked if I feel the dreariness of being single. And I think he was surprised to hear that I don’t even think about it. Seriously. I don’t get it. As I said, I am not unhappy and I do not even feel that I should be living someone else’s life. I don’t envy anyone who lives a life of adventure because we choose our own destiny. If you want to be happy, then you should resolve to make yourself happy. You can’t wait for life to come and say, ‘Oh yes. Today I will make Theresa happy by giving her everything she wants in life.’ I think that only happens in fairy tales and I know I don’t live in a fairy tale life.

At one time, someone also commented to me that I don’t seem to have a problem. But I do, who in this world doesn’t? I guess I just happen to be the type that does not allow things like that to drag me down. I don’t announce to the world that I have a problem. Boo hoo. Who cares?

Yes, I post in my blog things that happened to me and things that I want to do. Which in a way might make the reader think that they know me well. But I think that’s a useless assumption because no matter how much you post, people will never know what you think and feel about everything because that’s personal. It’s yours and you can choose to share it or not.

I do feel depressed sometimes especially during the time when my period comes. I think that’s a normal cycle for most women. But that doesn’t mean that I will mope around and feel sorry for myself. Maybe my heart is hardened by life or maybe I’m jaded but I don’t know why I should feel down when problems hit me.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not heartless. I do feel and I am sensitive to the people around me. I feel sad when someone close to me is sad and I am usually happy for friends and family when something good happens in their lives. I know how to sympathize with people who are down and out of luck. I am not such a b*tch that I will kick someone when they’re down.

I have long ago resolved that I will live my life the way I want to and be happy whenever I can. Life is short and being worried about things is not really helping.


This blog entry is dedicated to my friend L in Chicago. Miss you!

Lessons learned

A few days back, my sister and I took a bus ride from Alabang to SM Mega Mall. We were talking about credit card expenses and other bills to pay and somehow our conversation drifted over to our past. We both remembered a funny event from our lives involving bus rides and conductors.

In our so distant past, there was a year when my father was illegally dismissed from his work that affected our lives and our personal characters. With the help of my aunts and uncles, we managed to get ourselves enrolled in PUP to allow us to continue our education while my father try to sort our his employment issues.

It was a very difficult time for all of us. My older brother, my twin and my younger sister were not used to not having enough. But on that year, because our parents want us to continue our studies, my brother, Malou and I started studying at PUP.

We had to live in our aunt’s house in Manila during our freshman year as our house in Cainta was still occupied. We were all miserable because we all thought our aunt was an overbearing dictator. She used to make us do household chores and little things that we thought don’t matter. My aunt has a way of getting on teenagers’ nerves as we all thought our freedom was being repressed. Of course, it is only after a very long time that we realized that her teachings have helped us in our daily lives.

What seems to be trivial things like how to cook, how to iron clothes, etc. are some of the things we learned under her guidance. Of course, we were all feeling overworked at that time and felt that our aunt was just too much.

We experienced hauling big gallons of patis (fish sauce) from Dimasalang to San Marcelino just so we can have enough money for our allowance. We experienced selling mani (peanuts), beans and other snacks, again, to help tide us over while we wait for the result of my father’s case against his employer. There was even a time when we had to eat rice with patis (fish sauce), toyo (soy sauce) or asin (salt) because we didn’t have money to buy food. That’s how destitute we were then.

One day, Malou and I didn’t have enough money to pay for the bus ride to school. We only have enough money to pay for the fare for one of us. In our shyness to ask for money from our aunt, the two of us plotted a plan on how we can get to school. Inside the bus, one of us (I think it was Malou) paid for her fare. Then when it was the other person’s turn to pay, we staged an act like she forgot her wallet at home and how the other does not have any more money. Somehow, the conductor probably sensed that we don’t have any money and did not ask us to step out of the bus. When we arrived at school, we asked some of our friends to loan us some of their allowance just so we can go home.

We remember these experiences now with a smile and with no trace of bitterness. We have gone so far from way back then and now our lives are so different from that life that it seems like a dream. The little ones in our family have no idea how much hardship we’ve suffered before. And we are thankful.

Our experiences mold us to the person that we are now. Malou and I were both thankful for all the hardship we encountered before and all the pain we experienced. No matter how poor we were then, I knew things will change one day and it did.

Whenever I see people committing suicide because of the problems that they have in their lives, I cannot understand it. Even though I thought our lives were miserable way back then, not once did I think that I want to commit suicide. I always thought it was a coward’s way out. Don’t condemn me for thinking like this because it is just my opinion. There are people out there who seriously need help because they don’t know how to handle their problems and themselves. My heart goes out to these people because I know how it is to feel miserable in life. But I will never understand why some people would commit suicide.

We now regard our aunt as one of the biggest influence in our lives. She has given us an education that we would never have learned in school.

So buses and conductors will always have a different meaning for Malou and I. Don’t wonder why we might be sniggering at the back whenever you both see us inside a bus. It might be because we are just remembering our past.



My father did get his job back after a year and we then moved to Cainta. Not to worry though because there was no bus or conductor involved during our move.

Valentine

Valentine's day is associated with flowers, gifts and candies. My question is, where are they? I looked under my pillows and under the table. I even peeped into the box that's been sitting beside my desk since our last move from ORL to Ocean Building. Maybe I missed the delivery guy because I see no flowers, gifts or candies. =)

So we survive another day. I didn’t notice as much mushiness here as I would have if I were in Manila. Maybe the Filipinos are more expressive of their feelings than the people here.

Out of the numerous people that I saw on my way home, I saw only one guy bearing flowers. He was in a rush, like he’s already late for his appointment with his date. Tsk tsk. Not very impressive.

Earlier that day, while everybody else was busy planning for their dates, I was baking blueberry cheesecake. My sister Mary requested for it and although it was already past midnight, I happily obliged.

There is no grand gesture, no sweeping off of one’s feet. When you’re busy panicking about work, I guess you feel no concern if you’re not going out on a date.

I heard some guys complaining that there really is no reason to celebrate. They say that everyday is Valentine. Uhhhhmmmm. Okay. Is that an excuse because they forgot to make a reservation? Or maybe it is true. Why does the expression of one’s love have to be limited to a single day’s celebration? Isn’t love supposed to be celebrated everyday?

When he looks at you a certain way, when he shares a secret smile, is that not Valentine? When he prepares your favorite dish or hold on to you while crossing the street, tell me, do you feel it’s Valentine?

We have a tendency to take for granted the smaller things in life. Things that happen on a daily basis are assumed no longer of consequence because of the frequency of their occurrence. But take out that one simple gesture in your life and you’d wonder, what happened? Then you’d become paranoid and say that maybe he doesn’t love me anymore. Oh what a fickle mind!

Valentine’s Day has come and gone. After all the celebrations, all you see are the empty boxes, crumpled gift wrappers and the flowers starting to wither. Hopefully the day has given you a better perspective of love. Because after all the trash have been dumped and the flowers have all wilted, the only thing left is the feelings that you share with your love ones.

May you always feel loved and happy. May we all continue to believe and hope. Because when we lose hope and belief in love, what else is there to believe in?

Belated Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Wish Upon A Star

Little Lulu once asked If I have one wish in the world, what would it be? Yup. She does like dramatic questions like that. She wants to be an actress.

I had no quick answer for her question and I was busy so I just disregarded it. She can’t believe that I don’t want anything. She said she wants to be rich and then she’ll go to different places and buy me stuff, etc. So I said that I wish for her to be rich then. Cheeky. =)

During that conversation, I told her that money is not everything. You can have a lot of money but you can be so lonely or unhappy. I told her I don’t want to be the rich old relative that people wants to visit or talk to just because I’m rich and they have some monetary reasons for doing so. Cruel huh? But it is true. I know because I know of someone like that. And it is sad if you think about it. I would rather be ‘not rich’ but happy with friends and family.

Let’s not be unrealistic and say that having lots of money is a bad thing. It isn’t. You can buy almost anything that your heart desires and go to places where your whim brings you. But is it enough? I don’t think so. Or maybe it is just not enough for me.

I am the type of person who needs to be connected to family and to friends to be happy and satisfied. Although I have a side of me that usually like being alone every now and then (too often sometimes), I like having friends and family to share my thoughts with, my fortune, my misgivings, etc.

And who doesn’t want that? Would you wish for money or for happiness? Yeah sure. You can buy a lot of material things that can make you happy in a moment. But when that moment has passed, the sadness and heartache still comes out doesn’t it?

Some people would say that the rich could claim that money is not everything because they have a lot of it. Maybe it’s true. But think about it. Would they say it if there is no reason for it? Did you think that just because you’re poor or destitute that you’re the only one with problems? The rich have problems too. And sometimes more complicated than ours can ever be. So you see, no matter how much money you have in life, it is not going to be enough. It does make living quite easy though.

So if I have one wish, what would it be? I’ll tell you what I told little Lulu then. When you blow the candles from your birthday cake and you make a wish, you don’t say it out loud because you say it might not come true. I’m keeping mum on my wish then to avoid it from being jinxed. If it happens to come true, I’ll tell you all about it. D’accord?

Bonne journée tout le monde!